Thursday, February 09, 2017

The Things I Learned on My Journey in Finding Love

Four days from now and I’ll be having a dinner at a Japanese restaurant, together with my single friends, pathetically glorifying our singlehood in the best possible way, on Valentine’s Day. We’re quite a confident and brave group of unmarried individuals, each having a very unique singlehood- each has a different story to tell and a different philosophy and perspective on why he or she is still single.

My version is- I am still on a journey that is slowly unravelling as time goes by, and as I meet new people. Yes, I have considered the fact that I maybe a loser. Or maybe I am just ugly and fat. And perhaps it’s all of the above. But I am convinced of one thing, I’m still on that journey and I still have to reach my destination, in that place called love. Cheesy! Chos!

But through the years, I have found quite a few things that have changed my mind and my life so much.

On my journey, I found Infatuation. Back then, when I was younger, I was a boy. Or I thought I was a real boy. That was the time when I fell insanely attracted to a girl- tall, pretty, and smart. For a moment in my life, my strong conviction of being a flawless glittering gay queen was shaken when I met Ms. Infatuation. I breathed out a hallelujah, thinking that there might be a chance that I am just confused and that I am really straight.

I believe we liked each other. And I thought we had a mutual understanding. And that was the big mistake- there was no M.U., no mutual understanding, it was Mag-isang Umiibig, after all. And indeed, it was the bliss of the moment. I wasn’t in love. I was just amazed at this girl.

Ms. Infatuation went away and it made me upset- first, because she left me, second because when I saw her new boyfriend, I wanted him for myself. My hopes of being probably straight stopped there actually.

Time went by and I learned what Truth really meant. In a community of faithful Christians who champion family values, and strong and lasting husband-wife relationship, it was impressed upon me that holy living in spirit and in truth requires me to find a suitable match; a suitable female (and I have to stress that) partner in life.

As a closet queen, I really don’t find it difficult to find a girl. I find it really absurd and funny that I like dating girls and find no difficulty to date a girl, but I can’t even make one step closer to a guy that I really like.
St. Valentine's Tomb, Cosmedin Church, Rome

So I had a girlfriend. It was perfect. We have different character and personalities but we could work it out. Two years in a smooth relationship. Our families were absolutely in agreement and approve the match. The community of the holy and faithful uphold and approve the match. I was expected to propose any time soon. And then it hit me- I am going to build a life with this nice girl who loves me and is willing to sacrifice everything for me, and once I am married, in the eyes of God, I would be staying with her for the rest of my life until I die. I asked myself do I truly love her?

I realized that a life of holiness and truth doesn’t mean living the conventional life, a life that is generally approved by society. Marrying her would be approved by society, but it is a sham, a marriage for convenience, a travesty of truth and holy living. Above all, she doesn’t deserve to live a lie. I broke off our relationship, for her sake. She was devastated, but it was better that way than live a life with a husband who doesn’t really love her.

After that episode of dating girls or being in a relationship with humans with vaginas, I was finally convinced that I was gay. Not confused. Not bisexual. I am a screaming-queen, glittery, dick-sucking, insatiable bottom-bitch G-A-Y.

My First Love made me realize that. And yes, this is the never-ending story of my First Love, the guy I fell insanely in love with for more than ten years- my Best Friend. It was him all along. He was the reason why I broke off with my girlfriend. And for more than ten years he doesn’t know. And for more than a decade, I’ve been living like a fool. I just realized that First Love never really dies. If it dies, it dies really slowly but with a fight.

I realized that since I came out (which is not long ago), I wasn’t really serious about looking for a man, because of my First Love. I had to convince myself that it was a hopeless case, that he will never love me the way I madly loved him.

I can confidently say that I have moved on now. I still love him as a friend and brother (or sister). I still remember those feelings and the sleepless summer nights when I thought of him. But he is now just the man I used to love.

I am okay being single. My trouble is that I got so used to it that I might find being in a relationship too difficult or find living with another guy under one roof too fastidious. But there are moments that I wish I could share a delicious dessert with someone, or see pictures on the wall of me and my beloved, and maybe even with our three children. I don’t need random fucks. I don’t even like the idea of sleeping around. I would like to have a husband.

So here I am, hoping to find love. I don’t consider myself a hopeless romantic. But I believe in fairytales, and that fairytales do come true. And I am probably under the influence of some deadly chemical or something else. 

Now, if you please excuse me, I need to make reservations for an odd number of loveless people.  

Where Do Broken Goals Go?

San na nga ba napunta?

Yung pagpapasexy?
Yung pag-ipon?
Yung pagsulat ng novel kiyeme?
Yung busy-busyhan sa business (small business na nga, puro sabon at lotion, hindi pa maasikaso)?

February na. Yung goal para sa love life?

Where do broken goals go? Lintek!

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The Book Inquisition Ep. 6- The Red Mist

The Queen of Queer Book Queries summons the book The Red Mist by Patricia Cornwell, and passes her absolute judgement on this book without referring to the 7 inquiries.

You have been found guilty of undermining the interests of your faithful followers by creating a Dr. Kay Scarpetta that is totally self-absorbed despite her excellence in the medical field, in the field of law and even in architecture, who is still unhappy despite having a handsome husband and a successful career.

We were supposed to know why her assistant chief medical examiner Dr. Jack Fielding died, and why his estranged daughter has something to do with his death. We were supposed to know how Dr. Fielding's abuser was able to pull some strings to make his death possible and the destruction of Dr. Kay Scarpetta, if that woman was really ever involved.  
More than that, I have read more than a hundred pages and still, there are more questions than answers, and what was a page-turner in the past, is now a crime story that rivals the dense and dry dogmas I read from the most boring religious books that could be found in the Vatican Archives.

You are sentenced to be shelved in the “Atrociously Disappointing Books Section” in my Royal Archives.

Friday, January 20, 2017

The Book Inquisition Ep. 5- Learning Curves

The Queen of the Queer Book Queries summons Learning Curves by Gemma Townley to the stand…

  1. How was the cover?

It was a gift from my best girlfriend so I didn’t much say on its cover. It’s yellow and has the most kikay designs. So I’ll give it 0,5.

  1. Can the book cause a lot of controversy? Or if the book is controversial or has an outrageous claim to something or really popular, did it live up to your expectations?

The book is not controversial. But it has quite an outrageous following, obviously, of single girls, young adult girls, and the like. I really don’t know what to make of it. Has it live up to my expectations? Nah. But I’m generous. 1 point.

  1. Did it compel you to do something I’ve never done before?

Reading this book of this genre (a Chick Lit) gave me a sudden impulse of drafting a story of this gay guy and his hidden love for his straight best friend. And I’m not a fan of romantic chick literature. Ok, 1 point!

  1. Was the plot development refreshing and more than the usual shit you read or has it become your reality?

So there was this Jennifer Bell who just got out of a relationship with a presumably a hottie but a total jerk of a boyfriend who was an environmentalist. As she was trying to plan out a new life ahead, her mother coaxed her to do some undercover job into her long-time-no-see father’s consulting company under the guise of an MBA student. But she was about to find out more than corporate tricks and corruption. She might probably find love in the form of a dashing bookseller executive.

Ok, I doubt that it would be part of my reality, because in my world, there are no handsome executives who are quite passionate about book-selling. In my world, guys who like girls do not lose their cool or get self-conscious. They start to have boners. So yes, I guess it was quite refreshing to read an absolutely fiction story with a world that is manifesting from a girl’s point of view. Sometimes it irritates me and annoys me because I find it so…. Uhm… I dunno… corny. But that’s the thing, it’s guilty pleasure too. Ok, a full 2 points.

  1. Were the characters of the story similar to your favourite imaginary friends, or did they get along well with the creature under your bed, or have they become the friends/lovers/sex-slaves you’ve always wanted in your delusional world?

Not really. I find it hard to relate with Jennifer Bell, the main character. Strange, because I really did not unlike the story at all. Anyway, it’s 0 point for me.

  1. Has it changed your way of thinking? Have you become a better person or remained the same asshole in the neighbourhood?

I’m still the same old me. 0 point.

  1. Tonight. Sex or this book?

I enter William’s bookstore and tell him, “I’m just a bored Screaming Queen who’s been reading this book, standing in front of a boy, asking him to bang her.” I drop the book and drag William outside and somewhere where we can have a good time. After that, I’ll get back to pick it up again and continue reading. 1 point.
A total of 5.5/10 points. Not such a great book to start the year. It’s not really my genre.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

How I Started the Year 2017

It was one of those winter nights when the sky is studded with bright stars and the silver moon was shining. The winter winds were gently caressing my cheeks, and everyone was simply having a nice evening promenade.

I was with friends. I needed their company that night. The new year just came in and I was already full of emotions, that I was almost going to burst. So I distanced myself from my friends for a while and fixed my gaze into the horizon. I then looked up at the starry sky and said, “PUTANG INA MO UNIVERSE!”

And for a moment, I was quite okay.

So what brought me to Piazzale Michelangelo to get a breather?

Frustration. I was so frustrated because I just couldn’t get my goals right on track.

Let’s start with the first goal that every one has- be fit and healthy. I just can’t stop myself from eating like a pig. I just can’t stop myself from eating junk food. I just can’t push myself to do exercises or go to the gym. I really don’t want to go to the gym because for me it’s a useless expenditure when I can do workouts at home. At home, I don’t do any workout because, obviously, it’s tiresome and uninteresting for me. Argh! I hate my lazy self!

I couldn’t find time to write, because I was too busy finding the time to get my 8 hours of sleep. Otherwise, I’d be cranky and be prone to make a lot of mistakes at work. We don’t want that so we go and get some well-deserved sleep. When I lack sleep, I can’t even concentrate and I can’t write decently, like right now. Gosh, I’m not really a decent writer but at least I am able to focus on something.

And worst of all, that blessed old car of mine that behaves like a blackhole that sucks up all my money- repairs, tax and insurance.

And I am broke because the government imposed that sort of income tax so a large chunk of money went to the pockets of those pigs in Parliament. Or maybe those assholes in the Ministry of Interior.

I try not to lose hope. I think I should organize my thoughts and schedules. Maybe that’s why I’m so fucked up. I’m so chaotic.

Ok, let’s do this!