Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The Sign of the Abercrombie

There were three instances in which the sign of the abs-and-muscle oriented apparel Abercrombie and Fitch appeared to me.

The First Sign


This is now my trash bag....

Last January I was in Milan to visit my best friend and my relatives. On the last day of my holiday there, my friend gave me hand to pack up my things before I leave. Later on he handed me a paper bag with all the gifts, souvenirs and other stuff I need to bring back home. When I was on my way to the train station I realized that I was carrying a paper bag from A&F. It shows the pictures of half-naked bodies of two guys. Naturally I freaked out saying, “Darn it, this is so gay!”.

I wanted to send him a text message saying, “Thank you best friend for being able to make me look like a pervert, maniac and compulsive exhibitionist in the eyes of the world. I appreciate that. You did it again this time! Happy holidays!”





The Second Sign

A friend of mine recently got back from the Philippines and, like many other pinoys, she got pasalubong or special gifts for her friends. Well she brought me a black Abercrombie shirt (note: size L). I tried it on. I suddenly felt the bitter bite of reality. It fits me so well I thought it was my second skin. I wanted to thank her so much for thinking that I’m not a slob anymore like I used to be and that I’m so sexy that my butt can fit in any tight-fitting pants and shirt. I guess she had too much alcohol when she purchased the shirt so I told her don’t worry, I’ll starve myself to death to wear this shirt.  

However, this girl has a reputation for having an ESP and she’s partially a psychic. I said psychic, not psycho. Perhaps she had a vision of me to be just like one of A&F’s man-whore models in the future. Thank you. You are really a true friend!

Third Sign

Recently we received a package from the US. It was from the couple who stayed in our home last year. I think it was December. They were accompanying their daughter who was member of a children’s choir that was performing in different cities in Europe. We opened our doors for them and my family brought them around the city. The package was their way of thanking us.

When we opened the box, I was surprised to see a shirt they bought for me. Again, Abercrombie & Fitch. A word was written on the tag of the shirt’s collar- muscle. Muscle. MUSCLE? The word was so alien to me that I had to consult the most reliable source in this planet- Wikipedia. Wikipedia said, “muscle- something that you don’t have but don’t worry, you still have hopes to acquire them. How? It’s a mystery.”



Suddenly I opened my eyes. I passed out. It was a nightmare. I got up and grabbed the shirt and threw it into the bottomless abyss inside my drawer.

I wanted to say thank you for thinking of me as an A&F model. Of course, I simply have a six-pack flabs. Unfortunately I’ve deleted my Facebook account.

Conclusion

The thing is, I don’t care about those male-pseudo-hookers called A&F models… Ok fine! I’m envious because they get paid for being such douche-bags posing like that all day and get to sleep with a lot of women. But at the end of the day they’re still… douche-bags.

The company is headed by a perverse paedophile (who would think of producing thong underwears for little girls in pre-teen children's sizes with phrases like "Eye Candy" and "Wink Wink" printed on the front?), a human resources department who is as racist as Hitler and the Ku Klux Klan combined (yep, they mostly hire all white males who can expose their abs and girls with sun-kissed skin. Or sometimes, half-breeds), and it’s simply a big institution for douche-bags.

And besides, I’m not really a dumb fool who would pay for trash with sky-rocketing prices.

So why are there three signs? Dunno. But I guess I might as well try my best to lose weight so I can put those shirts on!

3 comments:

  1. Hahaha.. I'm so sorry to gave you that paper bag, dun lang kasya lahat eh! Anyway, I don't like A&F style of marketing.. It's so carnal.. and.. Bakit mga lalake lang naka-pose?! bwahahaha..

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  2. A&F? haha they always have that paper bag! hahaha
    So gay indeed :P

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  3. @GTA: LOL! Bakit nga ba puro lalaki lang ang greeters kung puede rin naman mga babae no? Dapat ganun din, topless! hahaha!

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Sige, sakayan niyo ang trip ko....