Wednesday, March 28, 2012

On Sex and *hore-mones

The following is rated PG. No sexual content though. Just pure irony, and offensive sarcasm. Epals are unwelcomed.

Dear Tripster Guru,

There’s this girl that I know. She wants me to sleep with her. She’s offering herself to me para magtiwala pa daw lalo ako sa kanya. I’ve rejected her many times but she keeps coming back to me. This time I really turned her down, and I really said no. I really don’t want to. I don’t want to fall into temptation. I’m almost 18, pati rin siya.

Did I make the right decision?

Prince Pihikan

Everdearest Prince Pihikan,

Bakit ba walang magbigay sa akin ng mga indecent proposal tulad niyan?! I’m green with envy right now. Puede mo bang ipakilala siya sa akin? Harharharhar!

Nagtataka lang ako kung paano ka naging related sa ganyang klaseng babae. It’s quite rare that a girl would offer her vagina like a free cupcake to anyone. Kakaiba rin yan talaga, and since she’s almost 18 her whore-mones are in its all time high in her body, like a female dog in heat. What a b*tch!

Bilib din ako sayo Prince Pihikan. Usually when a guy gets an offer like that, wala nang paligoy-ligoy pa. The douchebag-masculinity is trending and any homo sapiens with a penis who do not conform to this chauvinistic attitude is considered a sissy, homosexual, or a pussified male. Men are devolving, and are becoming even dumber than dogs. In fact, dogs have become men’s equals.

Call me a pussified male or gay, but I really commend what you did. Usually sasabihin nila, “Magpakalalaki ka! Grab the opportunity!”. Totoo naman, magiging tunay na lalaki ka na, pero ang tunay na sukatan ng isang tunay na lalaki ay kapag kaya niyang tumayo sa prinsipyo, sa kanyang pananampalataya, at hindi niya hahayaan ang minamahal na ma-compromise ang reputation.

I know a girl. She’s very cute and sexy. She’s the party-animal type. Madaming lalaki ang bumubuntot sa kanya pero hindi siya basta-basta bumibigay.

Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi na ni-reject mo na siya ng ilang beses. But why does she keep on coming back? Maybe because you’re still opening some doors for her. Pinapaasa mo siya. Alam ko na ang mga lalaking tulad natin, hindi natin kasalanan na hinahabol tayo ng babae, pero do your best to cut off any communication to tell her that you don’t like what she’s doing and that she should rub herself with some inanimate object and that you’re not a boy-toy.

Don’t be fooled. Kung hanap mo ay honest and sincere relationship, you won’t get it from her. Besides you’re young. Go travel, meet people, stay healthy and beautiful, workout, study harder, keep yourself pure.

Yes, keep yourself pure. At dito naman papasok ang religious predisposition ko. It would sound so untrue and pure hypocrisy these words which I’m about to say, but nevertheless, this is right and true.

Keep yourself virgin until your wedding day, whether you’re a guy or a girl. God will honour this and He is blessed when He sees His children united in purity and faith and free from worldly passions.

Virginity is scorned nowadays. But with all these salads of STD’s, broken families, broken relationships, and broken hearts, bakit ba pinupuri natin ang mga TG (t*t*ng gala) at PG (p*king gala)?

If you’re a virgin, people laugh at your inexperience. But that’s actually the best gift you can give to your loved one. Intimacy is not a commodity given to the whole population. This is what would make you stand out and be different from the low-life sluts and animalistic human beings. Sounds judgemental? Not really. Just saying the pure truth.

So my dear Prince Pihikan. What’s the rush? Don’t be tempted to sleep with that slut. Ignore her. Surely God will give you someone better than her. Don’t be desperate. Hindi ka naman panget. Hehehehe…

Sarcastically honest and true,

Tripster Guru

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