Sawa ka na ba sa status mo sa trabaho bilang number one target ng mga power-trippers sa trabaho? You’re not happy anymore with your shitty salary? Do you want more in life? Do you dream of being the next power-tripper in your workplace?
A year ago, I said “Yes” to all these questions. And here I am- promoted and working like an a-hole in our workplace.
What’s the secret? Well, isang bagay ang meron kang impressive educational background. Hindi education o college degree ang secret ko. At dahil sa hindi ako nakatungtong sa kahit anong pamantasan eh wala talaga ako maipagmamalaki.
This post is for all the mediocre folks out there like me who are struggling to get ahead and reach the top. I’m gonna tell you the secrets of ass-kissing your way to the top. Oo, you have to kiss the asses of those in power.
1. Be the Official Favorite Pet- Ihatid mo. Sunduin mo. Go shopping together. Sabay kayo kumain lunch or dinner. Host a party for her or him. Inuman session kung mahilig kang uminom. Alila lang ang peg sa simula, kapag lumambot na ang puso ng slave-driver mong boss, he will eventually make you his/her personal pet. You’ll get better treatment, but no promotion. But in case somebody picks up a fight with you or badgers you at work, you can be sure that the boss will always take care of his pet.
2. Learn the art of flattering-This is a weapon that is silent but deadly. Alamin mo ang kiliti ng mga nakatataas. Slave-drivers and power-trippers are self-centered bitches/assholes. Make sure to tirelessly praise them for their work or their hairdo or outfit or even their fart. But be soave and subtle so as not to seem exaggerated or cause suspicions. Sometimes, the best flattery is copying. Make his hobbies your hobbies. If he drinks black coffee, then drink one and bring some for your boss too. She’s a passionate Samsung user, then throw your Apple gadgets and adopt Samsung gadgets!
3. In the advent of a conflict, stand in the eye of the storm- Bosses from hell are in constant conflict with other people, whether their subordinate or superior. Don’t be too quick to take sides. Stand in the eye of the storm where it is clearer and calmer. Be quick to divert any discussion about a certain conflict so you won’t be obliged or tempted to express an opinion about the matter. Observe and see who’s winning the battle. And once the battle is over, kiss the ass of the victor.
4. Never say things that has never been said before- When your boss wants to backstab his enemy by dishing out his enemies dirt with you, be careful to not to add anything. Put your pokerface and try to look as if you’re interested. Contribute to the conversation by asking questions or expressing innocent remarks but never an opinion on the matter or adding information that you’re boss do not know. This is to protect you from any accusation of being a back-stabber.
5. Make them believe that you are exclusively dependent on them- power-trippers and slave-drivers are immensely full of themselves. They believe that the whole universe revolves around them. Make them believe that you are learning everything from them. This will please them and consider you not anymore a pet or his page or her lady-in-waiting. You will become the apprentice, the crown prince, the dauphin.
6. Understand the trend among the higher ranking superiors- Try to gain information on which manager is highly favoured by the highest ranking boss of the company. This will help you to be able to pledge your allegiance not only the right powers but it will perfectly align you in the presence and knowledge of the highest ruler of the company.
7. Consider that everything is personal- power-trippers and slave-drivers are drama queens of their own soap opera. Work is about how they felt that day, or how he feels about a certain dilemma. Pretend always that his enemies are your enemies too. Expect that many things will be unethical. If you keep in mind that everything is personal, then you will be able to prevent yourself from being caught up in unethical situations.
8. Be everybody’s friend- you must make them believe that you are his friend, that you are her best friend, that you are the trustworthy confidant. A friend of everyone is a friend of none.
Do these and soon you’ll be in that special office with your name hanging on the door. Soon you will be parking your car in that reserved space for you. And you’ll be fanning those bills of money in your own apartment.
Congrats you bastard!