On the seventh day, the penniless dreamer drove all the way to
, together with
his friends. Restless, carrying a burden in his heart. Milan
In a previous entry, nasabi ko kung gaano ka-intense ang levels ng anxiety at frustration ko noong nagsulat ako ng love letter para sa aking minamahal.
Madaming nag-react. May mga nag advise na nakakadiri daw, huwag ko na ituloy. May nagsabi ituloy ko daw kung wala daw akong lakas ng loob na sabihin ng harapan sa minamahal ang lihim na pag-ibig.
Well, hindi ko na naibigay yung letter. At hindi ko na rin nasabi ang katotohanan. Di bale na lang. Kaya dito ko na lang siguro i-post. Mukhang hindi naman love-letter ang kinalabasan. Parang apologia pa ang kinalabasan. Anyway, dahil trip ko to, eh enjoy reading the letter. Ma amuse kayo. O mandiri kayo. Wapakels lang. Hehehe…
I love you. I always have, and I always will.
Before the end claims me, I just want to tell you how much you mean to me, and that you were everything to me. You were always my dream and fantasy. And I clearly understand that, as God stands against me, and Truth is raw and cruel, I will never ever claim that heart of yours for my keeping. But I love you, no matter what. I can’t help it. It’s like what wise men say, only fools rush in when falling in love.
I never thought that I’d fall for someone like you. From the very beginning you were not the kind of guy I’d fall for. But then I’m not really surprised to love every aspect of you. You’re that kind of person who is easy to love- always smiling; sympathetic, easy to be with, full of life. You have the brightest smile and the gentlest face I’ve ever seen. It seems that God was in a good mood when you were born. Of course, I’m drunk with romanticism; love has altered my vision.
I can never establish an explanation on how friendship between us came into being. You’re the incarnation of a good-hearted light spirit. On the other hand, I’m a mercurial creature, hard to know, and harder to love; constantly consumed in his fiery rage against everything.
I never understood the cosmic relevance of how our lives were intertwined. And I will never appreciate God’s sense of humour of having you cross my path when I promised Him to walk in the way of righteousness, even if it means the need to embrace celibacy and solitude. Was it God’s way of having a good time? A cosmic and comical divine joke? I will never know. No one will know for His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. And his joke is really in bad taste. In the community of our faith, some would say that it is part of God’s grand design, that everything has a purpose in life, and perhaps knowing you has a big part in my life.
I am kin to sorrow since childhood, bound to it by fear of being banished by my own family and the fear of being denounced by the Church I loved and served. It’s been almost three decades of terrible winters- a life crafted with various fabrics of falsehoods and hundred shades and colours of deception.
And now that the truth is here, I have no place anymore in your life. Haven’t you heard? It is not fitting for Christ’s servants to be seated next to the immoral- yes, an immoral like me- one who has never known any flesh other than his. It’s unthinkable that any member of the brotherhood should share everything with the incarnation of the word abomination. I’ve heard it preached from the pulpit by apostles and prophets, by the very people whom I loved and served. And from the pulpit, I preached and taught the same tirade to the youth, as if I was sealing my own death warrant and reading my own death sentence. The things we do for the love of God, for the approval of a family, and the salvation of one’s soul.
But now I choose to give up this so-called eternal life so I can live in truth and sincerity. I choose the abomination so that I will not live a life of hypocrisy. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m the one who’s really fucked up or God intentionally fucked up everything in my life.
Sorry for such pompous writing and my profuse verbosity. You know me when it comes to letters.
The thing is I really can’t stop thinking about you. You are my blessing. You’ve been very patient with me, very understanding and supportive. You were my best friend. Your smile gives me a glimpse of paradise and your voice soothes the wars within my soul. You can make me smile. You can give me peace. You are one of the few people I trust. And at the same time you are also my curse.
As for your true beloved, I seek nothing but her well-being. She makes you happy and she loves you. And I ask God that may she live a long life with you, a future filled with hope and love. And it makes me happy to see and know that you have a great future with her and with all the happiness in the world. I just hope she can love you as much as you love her.
When the truth comes out, I’ll be waiting for my fathers to bring down their judgement and my eventual ruin from the ecclesiastical pedestal which I pompously built in time. I see no purpose anymore to work in the ministry and advance the cause for mankind’s redemption when the very culture of our Church requires me to live in hypocrisy. I can’t live like that any longer.
Let us end it here- our friendship and brotherhood- for no follower of Christ must be associated with someone like me, and that the gates of paradise are closed for sodomites like me. Though I am worse than a beast, don’t I still have the right to love and live happily?
I am really sorry if you will be upset. I am sorry if malicious comments and gossips would trouble you and the others. But I will never ever be sorry for falling in love with you, and for loving you more than anything and anybody else in this world.
I will move on in life. I might meet men and fall in love again. But you will always have a special place in my heart. Wala eh. Lakas ng tama. Tang’na talaga oh.
Hopelessly devoted you,