Monday, September 29, 2014

Usapang Pekpek: Vagina Monologues (Filipina Flavor)

Though I am not a vagitarian (God knows I often crave for hotdogs and sausages), still the vajayjay fascinates me. Its complexities, its colour, its power to inspire, and its power to drive all men crazy. It is the ultimate secret weapon of women to dominate all men (except for those who are of a different persuasion or those who have no sexual urge at all).

Long time ago I’ve heard about the Vagina Monologues, an episodic play by Eve Ensler. A series of play that has various themes about the vagina, sex, womanhood, and many other social issues in which the vagina is involved.



Now what if some segments of the monologues feature some of the most influential and famous Filipinas? What do you think they’d talk about?   

Inspired by commedian Mario Cantone, here’s the Philippine edition of the Vagina Monologues. Have fun with my political incorrectness!

(for those who are born humourless or brainless, the fucktards who likes to face the public though they are onion-skinned, the following statements are not true)

Anne Curtis- My vagina can swallow you, your friends and this club, and it can even shriek with a soprano voice like a pig while it is being slaughtered.


Paula Jamie Salvosa- So ya think my vagina’z alayer? No! It’s now a preacher!



Sharon Cuneta- My vagina is just as big as a mega star.



Nora Aunor- My vagina could’ve been a National Artist, pero walang himala! Walang himala!



Marian Rivera- My vagina is the most beautiful in this country because it’s psychology.



Claudine Barretto- My vagina is not a badass bitch. It can kick an old man’s ass or my husband’s, but it’s not a badass bitch.



Imelda Marcos- When they searched my vagina, they didn’t see skeletons, just my 3000 pairs of shoes.



Sen. Pia Cayetano- My vagina has beauty and brains and it can run anywhere- marathons, senatorial, it could even run for the vice presidency.



Charice Pempengco- My vagina likes other vaginas. It’s not a big loss for me. Is yours a biritera like mine? No. Because mine’s a pure fucking talent man! I hit high notes and bring my girl to orgasm!



Kristina Halili- My vagina was a one week topic in a Senate hearing because it unwillingly swivelled to the tune of Careless Whisper with some dickhead.



Heart Evangelista- My vagina likes an ugly bamboo-like dick, and everybody’s asking why.



Annabelle Rama- Don’t you dare threat my vagina! It’s not afraid of your vagina!



Mommy D- My pikpik is still ready for gimik.



Vilma Santos- My vagina wants to thank that tactless bitch. She is so bless…



Kris Aquino- My vagina is the ultimate tactless bitch queen of all media. Wait, lemme tweet that and post it in my FB. Daaaahrrrlllaaaaah? Where na you? We will talk about my shit and my vagina. Nownah!



Jessica Soho- My vagina does not find rape amusing.



Deniece Cornejo- My vagina is a joke. It’s a crime scene where anything can happen in a minute. Even rape.



Congresswoman Gloria Arroyo- Hello Garci? I just want you to know that my vagina will not step down. I am sorry.



Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago- My vagina is allergic to stupid and old. It is specifically adverse to Revilla, Estrada, and above all, to that old dick Enrile.



Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales- Are you assailing the constitutionality of my vagina?



Atty. Gigi Reyes- My vagina likes antique phallic things.



Janet Napoles- My vagina likes to suck humongous pork barrels. That’s probably the reason why it’s bleeding a lot here in the hospital.



Sen. Nancy Binay- My vagina has nothing to do with those shady businesses in Makati. It’s always squeaky clean and immaculate. In fact, it will be a hospital and take care of sick politicians accused of corruption and other crimes.



And last but not the least….

Piolo Pascual- My vagina is just a rumor.



10 comments:

  1. Nancy Binay:
    “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Siguro ganoon din yung vagina ko, ‘di ba? Para sa kanila, hindi ganoon kagandahan pero sa akin maganda na yan. Lalo na kapag nakapag-ikot ka sa buong sa Pilipinas. I don’t think may makikita kayong ibang vagina na ganito ang itsura."

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    Replies
    1. I find vaginas quite fascinating. But put nancy binay, bleah! hahahaha!

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  2. Funny post ;) haha about Vaginas haha

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  3. this one's one of the best here so far. all expectations met. LOL

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  4. Creative and humorous. Napa Lol ako dun kay Mommy D. :3

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  5. Ang lakas nung tawa ko kay Mommy D!

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  6. Loved it! You are really an awesome blogger. Just one thing, no one is really wondering or even care why Heart Evangelista married an ugly ass prick. Its so obvious.... that bamboo stick is filled with gold inside. Everything else pales in comparison to that shimmer. ;)

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