Thursday, November 27, 2014

The Heir, the Only Begotten Gay Son

The men of my family were known to be serial womanizers- some were notorious and some were subtle in keeping their mistresses. And just like any other male species, they are proud of this trait, or sometimes they conceal their pleasure of being notoriously known for their despicable behaviour.



It was said that my grandfather started it. He was tall, dark and handsome. Many girls secretly desired him and aspired to be his wife. With tenacious faith and fervent prayers in the church, my grandma succeeded in stealing away his heart. She thought that she was lucky because she married somebody who was handsome, and above all, somebody who had a land and a big house. Here’s the catch when one marries a handsome and clever guy- he may be fond of forbidden liaisons. And that was the case.

Wits and suave moves were definitely irresistible at the time. And possessing these made my grandfather a shrewd playboy. But grandma wasn’t a drama queen. Whenever she suspects him to have flirted with a woman, she would invite my grandfather in our basement so she could confront him calmly.

I think it was during the Marcos years when my grandmother found out my grandfather’s secret. She found out, through her cousin who worked for the government, that my grandfather sired a child with a young woman who lived in the woods, one of those peasant farmers who worked for tenants like my grandfather. This woman came to the Municipio to register the birth of her son. The woman named my grandfather as the father of the child. I think my grandfather never took responsibility of the boy. When my grandmother confronted him, he was outraged and went away. He took his shot-gun and when to the woods to hunt. Perhaps he thought of shooting the one who spilled the beans. But thank God, when he returned, he wasn’t carrying a human head, but a deer.

After that, my grandmother, like any other pious and subservient Filipina, rest her case and never brought up the issue again, until now, because his man is now buried six feet under.

Then there’s my grandfather’s younger brother. He was the classic pilyo, with his fair skin, wavy hair, and a charismatic smile. He’s the adventurous kind- adventurous in gambling, in local politics, and a classic adventurer in every woman’s cave. He married a woman who gave him three sons and two daughters. And later on in his life he had a young mistress who bore him, I think, two other children. When the secret was found out, it was the most devastating storm that hit his household.

And then there’s my father and my uncle. These two were bestfriends when they were young. My father, being the eldest was the big brother who taught my uncle many things, especially about women.

I used to think that my father was just like any average guy- many girlfriends but would eventually settle with one woman. He did. But I was kind of surprised when my mother told me that she believes my father has a child with another woman before they got married.

Now I believe now why my uncle said that in their generation of the family, it was my father who started it, the way my grandfather paved the way for the men of the family to become douchebags. He said that my father taught him the ways of a ladies’ man.
When my father reached a certain age and maturity, maybe in his thirties, he became a loving and faithful husband. As for his disciple, my uncle, he’s an asshole until now.

Every time I visit my relatives in Milan, he would be there and he would tease me and the other folks that I am such a loser, having no girlfriend at my marriageable age. “Or maybe you’re gay?”, followed by a roaring laughter. He would boast of his conquests and my father’s prowess on being a bolero with the ladies. 

I hated those moments when they were scrutinizing my private life. Because nothing should be private in our big family. Our personal conquests must add to whatever reputation my family has. But now I look at him and see how pathetic he has become- bragging of being a habulin ng babae while his children and wife are slowly distancing themselves from this padre de familia. The only thing positive about his infidelity is that he hasn’t yet fathered a child with one of his many ugly mistresses nor caught any venereal disease.

And this is just my father’s side of the family. You still haven’t heard about my hedonistic uncles in my mother’s side of the family. All three uncles- guilty of infidelity.

In the past they may have bragged about it or carried the reputation as badge of honor. Now, as the whole family has converted to Protestantism, they have all changed their lives and thinking, except for one uncle who is now separated from his wife and childred.

And this made me think, is it possible that God destined me to be gay because there should be someone who would atone for the sins of our forefathers?

I am the eldest on both sides- the apple of the eyes of the family, the great hope who would carry on the thriving name as the legitimate heir apparent, the pride of our fathers. As of now, there are only two of us who are going to carry the family’s name, and I happen to be gay. As much as I want to carry on the legacy, I cannot procreate through natural means with a woman. And the thing is, there are great expectations from the first-born, especially to the Prime First-Born, the legitimate one (yes, this is self-aggrandizement. I speak as if were the royal family of Laguna, or one of the remaining old patrician families of the country).

The alpha-males are all producing girls- virtuous, smart, and the most distinctive attribute of the clan- gallantly proud. But no boy, except for my father and his disciple.

My cousin is showing the symptoms of a chronic babaero. Perhaps there’s hope for our fathers. He may sire ten first-born males. But with me, nada.

It occurred to me this thought of being the sacrificial lamb one day when I was reading the Bible (unbelievable right?).  I read a passage about the death of Solomon’s first born as the result of his adultery, and how God punished sinners up to the third and fourth generations.

Am I the one to atone the adultery of my forefathers? Why is it that these padres de familia, in all their gloriously divinely appointed power and authority over the family, could not redeem themselves? And why should I be the one responsible in cleaning up all their shit? Why am I to become the sore blight that was inflicted upon the family’s pride?


My dear readers (if you actually read this entry) these are just some of the questions I have reserved for God, but if you have the answers, please help me clear my thoughts, because a therapist is too costly, and the Holy Scripture has made me nauseous. 

14 comments:

  1. A former assistant of mine told me that God made men gay because He is indeed wise. The world is exploding so by making gay men and women, there will be less procreation, makes sense.

    If I agree with your premise, does it mean that the Philippines is filled with philandering men thus the growing population of gay people? There are many instances that we blame God for something we have, such as poverty or my skin colour as an example. But I cannot do anything about it but accept it. Your being Gay can be perceived in two ways, one of a blessing and one of a curse. However, it is not important whether you are or not. I do not know you well but based on your postings and interactions through comments, I know you as a great person and a smart one. I hope to meet the writer of this blog one day so that I can say, "I know that person, he is great!" ( instead of, I know that person, he is gay!)

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    1. 1. There's another theory- nutri-buns had hormones that could convert people to homosexuality. Hahahaha!

      2. It's not that i'm blaming God or anything, it's just that it's hard to reconcile my faith and theology with my sexuality.

      3. If you're in the Philippines next year, around January and February, I hope we can meet.

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  2. Marahil ay di ka naman maituturing na sacrificial lamb dahil sa mga pambababae ng iyong mga uncle, lolo at tatay.

    Malay mo, ikaw pala yung blessing para matigil na ang ganung pangyayari sa inyong pamilya :)

    Ito pala ang kwento ng mga kalalakihan sa inyong mala-maharlikang pamilya :)

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    1. I know right? hahaha! Feeling patrician at mestizo lang, but our skin colour do not lie, mga hampaslupa lang talaga kami, hahaha!

      I hope i could be a blessing.

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  3. I can relate to you being the first born and one of the few to carry on the name. In my father's side, there's only three of us carrying the family name. Pressure because the family name is already on its brink of extinction. Out of the three only one is straight. My brother and I are gay. Haha. Despite of this, I came out.

    Don't put pressure too much on yourself. Especially unnecessary pressure. As the panganays, we tend to carry a lot of pressure brought by the family and this sense of responsibility to please most, if not all, people around us. It can be tiring so just let it go. ;)

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    1. I know. It's just that I grew up thinking that it is my duty to live up to their expectations. i wish i have the courage to not give a fuck for once.

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  4. Wow! After a long time of absence, time to know you more and your family. Anyway, what they did and still doing is their business. But you have to take responsiblity over your self and I am sure God will guide you as you continue to seek.

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    1. The thing mommy joy is that our life is the business of the whole family, as our family traditions dictate it, and above all, as our religion dictate it. Nevertheless, truth will always trump everything, and when everything else fails i know that love would be still there, the only one remaining. Sad to say, what or who is that love that will remain standing for me?

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  5. agree ako kai jep - baka ikaw ang blessing para matigil ang mga pangyayaring ganyan sa family mo.

    may mga bagay na ganon tulad ng naikwento mo, not just ur family even ours, worst to us too kasi hanggang 3rd gen ngayon nagsisimula pa sila hahaha jos ko diba! from my lolo down to my uncle and to my uncle's son. so parang pede kong matawag na normal yan sa ibang pamilya at nangyayari nga yan hahaha even before we exists naman may mga ganong pangyayari na rin eh pero hindi naman ibig sabihin na kung bading ang isang tao eh hindi na siya pakikinggan ni God. (seryos me, yes it is hahaha)

    hindi naman kinukweschon ni God kung ano ang pagkatao mo, i think yong important is u believe in him. as to ur family and being u as the apple of the eyes, kebs! madali siyang sabihin pero i think its about time for u to stand what u really want and what makes u happy, yong mga uncle mo? keber don! defensive masyado lang ang mga yon, this what i have learnt about sa sarili through counselling - bago mo isipin ang ibang tao, isipin mo muna ang sarili mo kung ano ang magpapasaya sayo at ano ang gusto mo.

    saka today sa modern times, mas may sinasabi naman ang mga gay ha, they are very talented and admired people. ang problema lang kasi sa atin, sa pamilya is we hold on too much with our culture, our family values etc. u know that, matalino ka eh. hahaha hay nakuh basta ito lang masabi ko wag mong pakinggan yang mga uncle mo na yan! hahaha

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    1. Salamat Ms Lalabels! nakakabigla ang serious and tone mo sa comment na ito. hahaha! Yes, i think i should put an end to our conservatism and ignore my uncles and everybody else in the family... since they are the cause of my sorrow and grief really.

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    2. its not sooo meh! cheh! hahahaha kahit ako gulat sa pagiging seryos. charots! namiss kita noh!! para kang kabute pasulpotsulpot lang eh! hahaha

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  6. Always remember: God loves you. God created you with a purpose. Maybe He made you gay because He doesn't want you to become adulterer like your male relatives. You might not as straight as them, but they are not as good as you are. Be proud, love yourself.

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  7. So i'm like rereading your post tripster and again, i am saddened about this, hindi dahil gay ka or what, because the society again and your family gave an expectation already, just like you, first born din ako, and yeah, i read the bible and i'm a Christian.

    Personally, totoo yung 4th generation but i know naman na yung ma lift, just continue to read the bible and you'll surely find your answers about life. I dont personally condemn the 3rd sex, i believe God loves us as who we are. You are ok tripster, you are, hindi mo kelngan saluhin yung lintik na kawalanghiyaan ng mga nauna sayo, Just focus on God alone and you will surely find your answers.

    Read the book of Romans. :)

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Sige, sakayan niyo ang trip ko....