Saturday, February 28, 2015

Reading Porn, Reading and Porn

There are many things that are a lot better than 50 Shades of Grey- a good book and literature, and a good porn movie to jack off with.

Yes. And I think I have discovered something that will definitely unite all book-worms and literary intellectuals and nymphomaniacs and chronic masturbators together in one accord, like a big orgy party. They can actually organize a convention on this, make it public so we can finally scrap that 50 Shades of Shit.

It was one of those summer nights when I had a lot of time in my hands and I was doing some cultural research on Japanese innuendos and fetishes and… ok fine! I was looking up some Japanese porn. Yes, Japanese porn is like an exotic food, you know. It’s like sushi- really twisted and weird, but very tasty. Except that it is freakin’ pixilated.

So there I was, doing my most favorite guilty pleasure- Japanese porn. And I’m very choosy. I have certain predilections for certain productions and certain straight AV actors. And there was this one particular movie clip that left me in awe.

The movie began with this scene set in a far-away countryside in Japan. The female actor, a housewife (they’re always housewives) was taking care of her husband, a former soldier who was handicapped because of the war (I really did not understand the dialogue but there were certain suggestive elements. In porn, one can exert all his efforts to understand every minute detail). Of course, in adult entertainment, this means the woman pulls out her boobies to calm her husband who was having a nervous breakdown. The wife shows she’s not happy because she kinda misses the boom-boom-pow. She gets action from the woodsman who usually shows up and takes care of some stuff in their household. And my oh my, that AV actor knows how to pound!

The characters, the plot, and the setting were so familiar that I wasn’t touching myself. That’s the fucking truth! Later on I realized, that I have already read this. Alas! D.H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

D.H. Lawrence was an English novelist who shocked Western civilization because of the explicit plot and his depiction of sexual activity, concepts that were not conventional in the early 20th century, in his novel Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

I was really amazed. It couldn’t be a coincidence. The film director of this trash is a genius. A fucking genius. I bet not all who watched it noticed the plot.

I did some more research and found out that there’s actually a Japanese porn flick entitled Lady Chatterley in Tokyo, a 70’s porn movie (more like a softcore porn today). But this one that I’m talking about is a legit porn- with all those bad acting and hardcore banging.

You know how porn movies are- bad acting, stupid lines, idiotic plot, and awesome supernatural banging.

But what’s the meaning of this? Are AV directors finally adopting materials from the literary world? If that’s the case, then I am the happiest loser on earth!  

Friday, February 27, 2015

Post-Aquino Worst Case Scenarios

In case we actually become successful in kicking PNoy’s ass out of Malacañang. Here’s what will happen after.

  1. The Binay Ascendancy and a Furious Senate- Binay will be crowned the top asshole of Malacañan Palace, and his spawn will be there to engulf all light emanated by journalists’ cameras. Sorry to burst your bubble but why not Binay? Why are we so afraid of such darkness when majority of us are actually voting for thick-skinned/onion-skinned/God-abiding/womanizing actors and soulless political dynasts? I mean hello? Last time I heard, a convicted plunderer came third in the presidential race. There’s really no need to fear an interim government under Binay because the ambitious amoebae in the Senate will be there to barge in every political effort of the Vice President. The Senate was able to destroy people like Senator Manny Villar and the former Chief Justice Renato Corona. I won’t be surprised if they will come after someone like Binay.
  2. A Post-Binay Scenario- What would happen if Aquino steps down? Binay will rise to power, and then he will be forced to step down because the Cabinet and other political factions do not like him. The truth is, not many like Jejomar Binay because he has the means and the position to become the president. And nobody in Philippine politics likes political progress, especially that of their rivals. Binay won’t be able to handle the pressure (although it’s quite unlikely), thus giving way to a new political era. The thing is, there are a lot of assholes and idiots in the government. Never underestimate assholes and idiots especially when they are organized as a group. They will eventually prevail. Even the CBCP will bless such political entity.
  3. The Philippine Jurassic Era- Of course there will be political mayhem, and there’s no guarantee that the constitutional provisions of the succession will be implemented. In this chaos, the greedy, the asshole, and the idiot will join forces together, gather all their foulest political spawn and rule over this political jungle. They will not behave as ‘buwaya’. They will behave like thick-skinned power-hungry political dinosaurs. The stupid masa will celebrate like devolved primates.
  4. A Star-Studded EDSA Sequel with Kris Aquino as the Ultimate Joan of Arc- Because nobody wants Binay to be president, the people of the Philippines will occupy all streets, especially their favourite, the most monstrous of all roads in the Philippines- the Epifanio De Los Santos Avenue, or commonly known as “Yang Pakshet na Putanginang EDSA na yan”. And through the brilliance of those who are actually in charge of the Liberal Party, the movement will be led by none other then the Self-Proclaimed Queen of All Media, Her Royal Tulo, Kris Aquino with her entourage of beauty queens, Dingdong Dantes and Marian Rivera, and of course, the ambitious Sen. Chiz Escudero and his poor wife Heart Evangelista, and all the glitter and glamour will be there, because the masa will not understand its ideals. And eventually, the Royal Tulo will be president of the Philippines. Presumably, we will live happily ever after.
These are just some of my theories. And each theory has a 99% probability to happen. I mean, this is a country where a plagiarizing senator is venerated and doctors are exported to become nurses in other countries- if these things actually happen here, then who’s to say that my theories are far from becoming the next worst nightmare of our country?

Mabuhay ang EDSA Revolution! 

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Unveiling of the Big Fat Buddha

I will always remember these 50 days of vacation in the Philippines. I've been to many places, ate all kinds of food like there's no tomorrow, and did many things I never thought I would do (except getting laid; I'll get to that part later on, perhaps here in Italy).

The best of these experiences was when I finally met some bloggers that I've been following for a long time.

I met the Olympian matriarch who has made a mark in our blogger community. She chatted with me for hours and gifted me with words of the Universal Potentate Jessica Zafra.

I met the young lady who could've been my girlfriend if it weren't for my proclivity for penises. I thought of her as the perfect academician to head the ministry of education as we shared our frustrations over the future of the school and students, and of course, our frustration over our own quasi-existing love-life.

I met the fairest pink lady who manages her wealth well and promises to be a future magnate and wife.

I met the clever and accomplished writer among the multitude of bloggers.

I finally met my idol- he who shares with me the utmost hatred for Nancy Binay; he who shares with me the love for anything that is hateful in politics; he who shares with me the hatred for jejemons and anything stupid; the wittiest and funniest of them all; he who exudes humour among friends, and could spit venomous fire against enemies (read: Bianca Gonzalez)

And last but not the least, he who is as pleasing as the pine-scented morning breeze of Baguio. He who had this idea of going to Sagada, but I didn't want to, because I was afraid I might fall… off the cliff. And now I feel bewitched, bothered, and bewildered.

Great moments are meant to be shared with wonderful people. Thank you for the time. Thank you for the gifts. And I hope this could be the start of a meaningful friendship. Because who knows, one day baka maka-utang din ako sa inyo ng walang interes. Hehehe!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

That Thing Called Ang Paghahanap ng Sarili In the Most Unlikely Places

Where do broken hearts go nga ba? Hindi naman nasagot ni Mareng Whitney ang katanungan na ito. Kaya sa movie ng "That Thing Called Tadhana" ang sagot nito ay sa Roma, Baguio, Sagada at Manila. Panoorin niyo na lang ang movie.

Napaisip lang ako dun sa isa sa mga topics na napagusapan nila sa movie- ang paghahanap ng sarili. Ang tendency talaga ng mga broken-heart o yung mga taong naghahanap ng pag-ibig ay hanapin nila ang sarili.

Bakit nga ba hinahanap ang sarili? Because we lose ourselves when we fall into the trap of love. And when we find ourselves out of love, we lose a part of us and when we look at the mirror, we cannot recognize the reflection we see in there. Kaya siguro hinahanap namin (oo, kami talaga) ang sarili namin in the most unlikely places
So they go to places like Europe para tumunganga sa kung anu-ano. At pati na rin sa Baguio. Siguro dahil malamig, masarap mag-muni-muni. Pero pano mo naman makikita ang sarili mo sa pagmumuni-muni?

Ako, I went to look for it in Palawan. At I found love in Puerto Prinsesa. At sa Baker's Hill pa.

That's a big love di ba? Hahahaha

Sige, I have to sign off now at hahanapin ko pa ulit ang sarili ko, somewhere in Baguio.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Welcome to my animal farm: Mga Kahayupan Atbp.

My visit to Baluarte in Vigan and the Croccodile Farm in Palawan has enlightened me a lot, and showed me what I project I should pursue in the future for the development of humanity. And today we will go to Olonggapo. A friend told me that there's some sort of safari there. I dunno.

I will put up a zoo and name it "Kahayupan Atbp.

This animal farm will be very unique and will house only the most important and unique creatures that are usually found in vast estates of land-grabbing monsters, in urban jungles and important institutions such as the Senate.

Mammal section-

Janet Napoles (Porcus puttana)- a wild pig that can be domesticated by feeding her with the blood of people and everything that humans worked hard for. This pig is always fond of her children, who will lavish them with the most hard to find and precious object found in the urban jungle.

Unggoy Estrada (homo putanginamus)- The lowest form of tsonggo that is naturally abusive, stupid, and assholic. Unlike the tsonggos of Palawan who learned to be annoying to people, this one was born to annoy those with superior intelligence, and it has the ability to charm people of little intelligence.


Juan Ponce Enrile (Semper hudasis)- he is one the few remaining ancient reptiles who roamed the earth many aeons ago. He has chameleonic ability, and a tongue that could twist anything to favour his interest. Despite his thick old skin and millennial age, his phallus seems to attract desperate and depraved female creatures which we commonly call rich bitches.

Bong Revilla (Pius hiponis)- one of the most unique species of shrimps. It looks good. His body tastes good. But his head is disgustingly empty, I wouldn't even suck his head dry (the other head that's supposed to contain brain). This hipon has a special defense mechanism- when threatened by his enemies he cries out to God, giving him the nickname "Pious Shrimp".

Underwater creatures-
Binays- so far these are the foulest species that one can find. Whatever they do, they always leave behind a fishy smell.

Pnoy (Gagus sinebayagi)- this is one huge blob of a jellyfish- spineless, brainless, AND one that has no balls at all. It came out of nothing and has no way of reproducing itself. But it has a sting that could mesmerize even the smartest creature.

For now, we are still deciding what other creatures to put in our zoo. I might employ Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales to look for them. And if ever Madam Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago loses in the presidential race in 2016, I might offer her the job of caretaker of the zoo.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Misleading at Masyadong Assuming

"I'm sorry if I made you fall in love with me.", yan ang mga linyang pinapraktis ko, na sasabihin ko sa mga babaeng na in-love sakin. "Mga babae" talaga no? Nagbibiro lang naman ako. Para sa lahat ng mga nakakita na sakin, alam naman nilang pang horror na lang ang looks ko.

But seriously, sa tingin ko na-in-love na yata ang female friend ko na isinama ko sa Laguna. It's either talagang nakuha ko na ang loob niya o masyado lang talaga ako assuming. Nag pa facial na ako at sa tingin ko naman ay hindi na ganon kakapal ang mukha ko.

Paano ba naman kasi, lagi na lang ako pinapadalhan ng text or message sa FB. Kahit yung mga bagay na puede niyang itanong sa sister ko, ipadadaan niya pa rin talaga sakin. Yan ang mahirap eh kapag hindi pa nalaladlad sa kanila ang tunay na kulay ng dugo ko.

Siguro nga masyado misleading ang mga actions ko.

I assumed na malinaw na hanggang friends lang kami. Ever since na nagkakilala kami ay lagi na kaming ipinagtutulakan sa isa't-isa, at ever since nagkakilala kami ay itunutulak ko na rin siya sa iba. Ganyan sa church namin eh. Excited lahat sila na ikasal ako, akala naman nila ay maiimbitahan sila sa kasal ko.

I invited her over dito sa Laguna dahil wala na daw siyang ibang mapuntahan. Mayroon naman akong mga male friends pero, like I said before, minsan boring ang male company or ako lang talaga ang nakakabato. And besides, baka gapangin pa nila ako. Hahaha! So as a good friend, I invited her over sa amin at namasyal kami all over Laguna, just the two of us.

Hindi ko trabaho ang magpaasa kahit kanino man. And we have a good friendship. Ayoko naman sirain ang pagkakaibigan namin. Maybe it's time to tell na the only thing that make us both compatible is that fact that we both prefer penis.

Pero hindi ko naman kasalanan kung talagang kaibig-ibig ako. Sige, let me rephrase that- hindi ko rin kasalanan kung umiibig sila sakin. It's their choice. Kahit din naman ako umibig din, at mag-isang nagmamahal. Pero I'm moving on. Para maka move on ka at makalimutan mo siya, you have to take one small step towards a new life. Ganon yon! Hindi sa drama nadadala ang pag-move on.

Hay nako, payo ko na lang sa kanya, at sa mga katulad niya na nakakabasa nito, huwag na kayo umasa sa mga tulad namin. Mag lugaw na lang kayo, may itlog din yon.

Kahit din naman ako, masyadong assuming. Please dalhan niyo nga ako ng lugaw, marami at yung may mainit at malaking itlog. Salamat!

Sunday, February 15, 2015

The 44, The 56

Kudos to the Fallen 44- mga taong nagbuwis ng buhay para sa bayan. Kutos naman ang dapat ibigay sa mga taong nabuhay sa buwis ng sambayanan.

Hindi ako magbibigay ng opinyon tungkol sa nangyaring massacre ng mga police forces natin. Pakinggan mo lang ang talumpati ng Pangulo at maiitindihan mo agad kung anong klaseng pamahalaan ang may hawak sa mga kapangyarihan ng estado. Hindi mo na kailangan talaga ng college degree para hatulan ang katinuan ng mga nasa kapangyarihan.

Gusto ko lang magbaliktanaw sa isa sa mga least famous chapters ng ating kasaysayan- the 56 Sakdalistas massacred on holy grounds by government forces.

The Sakdalista movement originated in Cabuyao, Laguna, and was founded by the writer Benigno Ramos in 1930. He used to work for the big men of Malacañan Palace as speech writer and adviser. The Sakdalistas were advocating for reforms that would help the peasants and the poor, and above all, the immediate Philippine independence from American rule. The movement appealed so much to the masa that the party won many important municipal offices and three seats in the House of Representatives.

As the United States and Philippine government worked together on exploiting the Filipinos, the Sakdalista worked harder and became more forceful in their fight against corruption and exploitation that they started to organize an uprising.

There was significant number of rebels but not enough to topple down the government. The uprisings that began on May 1, 1935 ended abruptly on May 3. There were 69 deaths reported at the end of the day, 56 of which were Sakdalistas who were massacred on holy grounds in front the of San Policarpio Church. Many others were imprisoned.

Honest men were killed because the government could not support the welfare of its citizens, so they had to kill their own kin.

The 56 were long-forgotten in our history. If they were remembered, they were vilified in textbooks and treatises of historians who licked the disgusting feet of despicable half-bloods in the government.

56 men lost their lives for their country. They died because of the government. Ngayon na lamang nabigyan ng karangalan ang mga taong ito.

Ngayon, 44 na tao ang namatay dahil ginagawa nila ang kanilang duty sa bayan. Isipin niyo na lang ang kasaysayan natin. Isipin niyo na lang kung ano ang ginagawa ng pamahalaan. Kailangan ko pa bang sabihin sa inyo kung sino ang dapat magbayad ng lahat ng ito?

Monday, February 09, 2015

Where do broken hearts go?

Where do broken hearts go ba talaga?

That thing called tadhana? Tangna! Kaya eto, hinahanap ko ang sarili ko... Hahaha!

Eto hinanap ko ang sarili among the kulisap ng Palawan.

Pero wala pa rin. Nasa Underground River kaya? konting tiis na kang sa pila at malalaman natin.

Thursday, February 05, 2015

Revolutionary Roads, Pilgrims Paths

Sabi ko town-hopping sa Laguna. Ang kinalabasan ay isang masayang Visita Iglesia. Halos lahat ng mga major churches ng Laguna ay nabisita namin in one day.

Pero naging makabuluhan naman ang road trip namin because I finally learned a lot of things sa tinubuan kong probinsya.

Laguna- hindi lang lupa ng mga resort, hot springs, ng kalikasan at kagubatan, at ng malinamnam na buko pie. Isa itong lalawigan ng mga mamamayang nagmamahal sa kalayaan at kasarinlan ng sariling bansa.

I'm a big sucker for history, and there's nothing else that excites me more than visiting historical places (okay, mas exciting pa rin ang lumamon na parang wala nang bukas).

Let's begin with Calamba, the birth place of Rizal. See previous post.

Then there's Cabuyao, where 56 Sakdalistas were massacred by government forces in front of St. Polycarp Church (the next post will be about these 56 people who died for their ideas of an independent Philippines).

Then there's also the town Nagcarlan and it's famous underground cemetery. It was in the sacred grounds of this underground cemetery the meetings of the katipuneros of Laguna were held. It was also the burial place of the rich and influential townsfolk of Nagcarlan.

The town of Magdalena has, to my view, the most magnificent church in Laguna. It also houses the remains of General Emilio Jacinto.

Paete is the home of some of the best artisans in the field of wood sculpting and one the most precious churches that house some of the most important ecclesiastic art in the Philippines.

Go to Liliw if you love shoes and other footwear- great style, great deals!

Bisitahin niyo rin ang town ng Pila, isa sa mga ancient towns ng Philippines, at isa sa mga location ng teleserye ng Please Be Careful With My Heart. Walang kinalaman sa theme ng entry pero wala lang, trip lang. Hehehe!

Madami pa makikita sa Laguna. We have magnificent mountains, majestic falls, pristine streams, charming lakes and resorts, and many other things that Mother Nature can offer from the blessed earth of Laguna.

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Ang Bahay na Bato ni Rizal, O Kung Paano Nabuo sa Aking Kaisipan na Batuhin ng Bato ang Dep Ed at mga Bumaluktot sa Ating Kasaysayan, O Ang Kababuyan ng Kasaysayan, Or Mabuti Pa Ay Basahin Niyo na Lang ang mga Aklat ni Ambeth Ocampo

Si Jose Rizal ay mahirap. Daw. Si Jose Rizal ay ang bayani ng masa. Daw.

Itong buwan na ito, nagpunta ako at ang aking travelling partner sa Rizal Shrine sa Calamba. Hindi na kasi kami natuloy sa Cebu at Bohol dahil sa bagyo at hindi rin kami puedeng magsabay ni Pope Francis.

Anyway, natatandaan ko noon na itinuturo sa amin na si Rizal daw ay mahirap. Natural, iisipin mo na "Wow, kasama siya ng masa!". Pero two years ago, matapos kong basahin ang ilang aklat ni Ambeth Ocampo at matapos mabisita ang reconstructed na bahay niya, doon ko na realize na, "Wow, they fucked us up once again in history!"

Sa panahon noon, walang pobre ang nakatira sa isang bahay na bato. Walang pobre ang makakapag-aral sa Europa. Walang pobre ang makaka-afford na makipaglandian sa dalawang dosenang babae na taga Europa, at kung sinu-sino pang malanding dalagita na anak ng mga ilustrado.

The problem with our education system is that it tries to paint the image of a fictional hero, trying to fit the imperfect image of a man in the figure of a messianic saint. Or was it part of some political/colonialistic attempt to manipulate our culture and history, putting the whole nation under a political belief system which is like a leash.

Gaano ba kahalaga na malaman natin na isang mayamang ilustrado si Rizal? Magdudulot nga ba ito ng kaunlaran sa ating bayan? Of course, hindi ko masasagot ang mga tanong na iyan. Pang ibang level na iyan, at nakakatamad magsulat ng dissertation sa isang blog. Shet, blog ito!

But I think it is important for the people to look at concrete facts, to be educated about the truth in our history, otherwise, we will be a people under the influence of lies and fabricated myths and legends, stories which will divide and destroy our nation.

Kung mapadaan man kayo dito sa Laguna, wag niyong kalimutan na pumunta sa Rizal Shrine sa Calamba.