Thursday, January 22, 2015

My BFF Kris Aquino?


And speaking of the Self-Proclaimed Queen of Media, Her Royal Media Highness Kris Aquino, the technical First Tulo, I mean, First Lady of the Philippines, paano kaya kung naging BFF kami ni Kris Aquino?



Minsan tinanong ko mga kaibigan ko, "Would you like to be Kris Aquino's friend?"

Sabi nila straightforward siya. Hindi peke. Tutulungan ka niyan at napaka generous. At mabuting ina.

But I don't think na magkakasundo kami because of three things-

Lalaki- Pagusapan na muna natin ang lalaki. Bet niya ang mga mas bata sa kanya. Yung huling legit niyang husband, James Yap, mas bata sa kanya. At mga macho at gwapo figure. Maliban na lang sa mga politicians na na link sa kanya na nakakadiri talaga.

I am not always drawn to younger men. Ma appeal sakin yung mga mas matanda sakin at siyempre yung sexy din. So far, isa pa lang ang pinagnasahan ko ng todo na binata, pero hindi ko trip ang mga young boys.

Pera- Isa siyang rich bitch. At ako naman ay isang pobreng pota, hehehe. Magkaiba ang aming social background. Madali siyang makatulong sa kapwa dahil meron siya. Madali din naman akong matulungan dahil walang wala ako at marami akong pangangailangan.

Issue sa Buhay- How do we deal with our personal issues? Tahimik ako and I try to solve my problems through pragmatic approach o kung hindi ko man kaya ay tahimik akong nag move on sa buhay, or inilalagay ko ito sa blog na nababasa ng 5 tao. Si Kris, feeling niya ay may obligasyon siya na isingit sa national agenda ng sambayanang Pilipino ang mga nangyayari sa buhay niya- yung may tulo siya, or nakipaghiwalay na naman siya sa kanya lalaki, or kung nag away sila ni Bimby. Kelangan niyang humarap pa talaga sa TV para may pake ang mga friends at fans daw niya.

Madali talaga sabihin na matulungin siya kasi kaya naman talaga niya dahil mapera siya. Madaling sabihin na straightforward siya at totoo kasi wala naman siyang pake sa mga nakapaligid sa kanya dahil sa isip niya ang mundo ay umiikot sa kanya, sa kanyang tulo, at sa mga putakteng issue ng buhay niya. Pati anak niyang si Bimby pinapaikot din niya sa mundo ng showbiz.

It's all about her. Kailangan pa talaga na umikot ang buhay mo sa persona niya.

Friendship is meant to be shared. It was never meant to mean something with Kris Aquino.

Royal Kembot Complex

And speaking of Dingdong-Marian wedding and all that brouhaha, royal wedding daw kamo. What's so majestic about these people?

In some ways, the event was the closest thing we could ever have to royalty- people pampered with power and privileges; people we adore, people we love, and people we worship. Politicians and celebrities and celebrities/politicians and celebrities-on-the-way-to-the-road-of-replacing-assholes-like-Jinggoy-and-Bong-Revilla, these are the new aristrocrats of the country and they're all around the event.

A prince can only establish his rule when it is blessed not only by peers but also by the princes of the holiest institution of the land. And as you all have witnessed, the great good shepherds of the Catholic Church, and yes, even those of my kind, of the Protestant persuasion, are very close and more than willing to bestow divine blessing upon these half-blood nouveau patricians.

Ah yes, beloved bishops- not only you have fucked little boys and us gays, you also fucked up the composition of our society.

Ano pa nga ba ang silbe ang demokrasya? I've been to certain places here in the Philippines, befriended some of the foulest political feudal lords, and one doesn't need a college degree to realize that the Filipino people have no use of democracy and their freedom, but could live under the rule of tyrants, or even foreign oppressors.

So please, crown them princes and princesses, pay tributes to our lords and duchesses, bow down in the presence of Queen Kris Aquino because you can never have enough of that bitch, and receive the graces of the holy bishops- champion-kuno of the poor, but most of all, merciful defenders of promiscuous senators and men who do not like to use condoms.

Basag trip mode- ON.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

A Nightmarish Dream Wedding

The Dingdong-Marian wedding? This is the ultimate nightmare for all bridezillas out there who understood that the bar has been raised again on how ideal weddings should be- less solemnity, less reality, less spirituality, more glamour, more detail-oriented preparation, image-centered ceremony, and full of scripted romance and glitter.

Yes, dear grooms, your brides will have bigger expectations.

I sometimes think that weddings are really for the brides. All those glitter and flair could never ever be conceived by any straight guy, at least not all men.

I am not against weddings. I, too, dream of wearing an immaculate white suit like a virgin touched for the very first time, exchanging a vow to be committed heart and soul to my one and only beloved man, who is rich and sexy, and I'll be wearing that golden band with a diamond. But it's only a fantasy.

The trend nowadays is to compel the wedding ceremony to proceed according to the dictates of the master-script of the wedding coordinator, no matter how sacred the ceremony is. I used to think that a wedding's master of ceremony is the officiating minister, who was appointed by the Sovereign Almighty to bless the union of two hearts. Now we have wedding coordinators acting like film directors, telling everyone in the ceremony on how to act, what to say, and what to do. Not to mention the transformation of the bridal march into a pageantry, or a scene that must be captured by cameramen who were hired to produce a 20-minute video which will be shared through Facebook, because nobody has a gray matter with the adequate capacity to remember details and memories which they can share with others, like a sacred oral history passed down from one generation to the next. Now, their memories are encapsulated in those Facebook links which will be shared relentlessly for the next two weeks and be forgotten for ever.

So what is my problem? What is my fucking problem with that? Why am I being so bitter? Why am I bitching so much after watching Dingdong-Marian wedding? I think I'm getting a bit preoccupied this year about three weddings; and none of them is mine.

Ewan ko nga ba. Is it less of a wedding, if we don't look like those flimsy actors in the Rivera-Dante nuptial? Is marriage ruined if it is not as grand as our imagination? Can we just keep things sacred and solemn- the symbolic march of the bride to the groom, the sincere exchange of vows, the earnest witnessing by the godparents of the newly weds, the authority of the minister over the whole ritual?

Panalangin Ngayong Linggo Habang Nasa UST

Sa ngalan ni Damaso,
Ng CBCP,
At mga pulitikong nakinabang sa pangalan ng Diyos,
Amen.



Ama namin, na nasa langit, kahit kami'y sumasamba sa Ngalan mo.
Ipagkait man nila ang Kaharian mo sa amin, ay susundin pa rin namin ang kalooban mo,
Dito sa lupa, at saan mang kalyeng naglipana ang mga katulad ko.

Bigyan mo kami ngayon ng aming pag-asa sa pagdating ng kanyang araw,
At patawarin mo kung kami'y nagmahal ng kapwa namin,
gaya ng pagpapatawad namin sa mga santong gago at mga ipokritong banal na sumiping din sa amin.
At huwag mo kaming ipahintulot sa guapo,
At iligtas mo kami sa lahat ng mga tanga.


Aba Ginang Maria, napalibutan ka ng mga disgrasyada,
Dahil sa sinabi ng Panginoong Damaso sa iyo.
Pinagpala ka nga sa lahat ng kababaihan,
At kapus-palad naman ang lahat na nakapalibot sa iyo.


Santa Maria, alagad ng Diyos,
Ipanalangin mo kaming nag mamaryang-palad,
Ngayon at magpakailanman,

Amen.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Dulo ng Walang Hanggan

Two days na biyahe na walang ligo at kulang sa tulog, narating ko ang Ilocos, all the way from Italy. Ito na ang pinakamahabang biyahe na nagawa ko sa aking almost thirty years of existence, at sa tingin ko ay hindi ko na ito uulitin ang kahibangan na ito.



Naabot ko halos ang pinakadulo ng Luzon, ang Pagudpud. Kasal kasi ng pinsan ko, at para sa pamilya eh titiisin ko ang magkaroon ng greasy hair at stinky armpits, makakanta lang ako sa kasalan! Unforgettable talaga, hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako maka move-on, kung paano ako nakatulog ng 8 hours sa loob ng dalawang araw na hindi humihiga, laging nakaupo.

Naisip ko yung pagod din na dinadanas ng mga kapwa ko OFW na umuuwi sa Ilocos. Saludo talaga ako sa inyo mga kapatid kong Ilokano! Pero sa tingin ko, kayang tiisin ang lahat makarating lang sa tahanan at makita ang mga mahal sa buhay.

Sa Pagudpud ang kasalan. Enjoy naman sa beach wedding. Todo drama ko nung nakita ko ang pinsan ko lumakad sa aisle. Meron pa nga isang babae na todo naman magpapansin sakin, grabe kung maka-approach! Kulang na lang eh yayain ko na makipag-date. Yun nga lang eh sirena ako sa beach na yon.

Nakakatuwa ang mga taga-Pagudpud. Kapag nagtanong ka ng directions sa kanila, usually, sasabihin nila , "Malapit lang po dito." Or "Twenty minutes lang po ang biyahe mula dito". Yung malapit nila mula sa point na kinatatayuan nila translates to "ten baranggays between point A and point B", at yung sinabing twenty minutes translates to 1-2 hours ride. Pero wala naman traffic, derecho ang daan, at kokonti ang mga gagong driver.

At sa dulo pa talaga ng Luzon ako makakatikim ng German cuisine. The best na kainan talaga ang Bergblick Restaurant. Ewan ko ba kung ano ang naisipan ng chef na ito para magtayo ng resto sa dulo ng walang hanggan. Pero kung masarap na kainan sa Pagudpud ang hanap mo, dito ka na. The long ride is worth it.

Napuntahan ko ang Rock Formations sa Kapurpurawan, ang wind turbines sa Bangui, at ang Laoag. It's a pity hindi kami nakarating kina Ferdinand Marcos. Madaming issue kami at the time kaya dumerecho na kami sa Vigan para makita ang old town at ang mga kahayupan sa Baluarte.

Narating ko na rin sa wakas ang Vigan. It felt like being in old Europe. At siyempre yung famous na Dancing Fountains tuwing gabi. The show starts with an overture flashing the name of the lord of the land (alam na kung sino). Mabuti pa ang mga daan papuntang Pagudpud, derecho at ay may hangganan. Ang mga kagaguhan sa pulitika, mahaba ang daan, liku-liko at walang katapusan.

Sayang hindi nako nakasakay ng kalesa at nakapasyal pa ng mabuti. Napilayan ako kaya ayun, dumerecho na kami sa Laguna.

Sa tingin ko hindi lang naman Vigan ang dapat ma consider na isa sa mga bagong wonders of the world. Ilocos, its political and cultural history, its beaches and mountains, is simply extraordinary.





Monday, January 05, 2015

The Perks of Being a Virgin


This is an issue that is very close to my heart, ass, and penis.



The perks are….. NAKNAMPUCHA! WALA EH!

Have you seen this woman? Well, she suffered a lot. I'm not sure if I'd call that something that to be proud of.

Hahaha! Parang may pinagdadaanan eh no? Wala naman. Naisip ko lang. Hehehe!

Goodnight My Someone

As usual, I was invited again to sing at a wedding in Pagudpud. My cousin’s wedding. I’m not a professional singer. I just like singing and, to my opinion, I have a decent voice. They asked me to do a special number for them.



I sang “When God Made You”. I wonder what God was thinking when he made the man that I love? Was he thinking, Hey let’s fuck up the brains of T.G. and frustrate his life! I’ll drink to that and say thank you very much.

I like old songs, the kind that kids of today wouldn’t be able to bear to hear. I particularly like “Goodnight My Someone”, that lovely song from the old classic movie “The Music Man” (especially the Mary Ford version).

And that’s me. Always the wedding singer. Always a part of the entourage. Never the one who is getting married. What else can I ask for? I have no one. And I belong to two countries that do not recognize gay marriage (fuck you Philippines! Fuck you Italy!).

The man I love is straight (why do I always have to fall for straight guys?!). It gets worse- I’m gonna be his Best Man. But that’s okay. I love him and I have come to accept the fact that there’s no hope of converting him.

I think I’m a desperate romantic, although I don’t think that I’m romantic enough. I am just… corny? Mapait na mais? Ganon? Hehehe!

Anyway, I still believe in finding true love. I am that cheesy, but I believe it. One day I will find you. One day I will kiss you, feel your arms around me, and make love to you. We will make a home for us, and our two three kids (one Asian, one African, and one Latino).

So goodnight my someone, good night.



Goodnight, my someone,
Goodnight, my love,
Sleep tight, my someone, 
Sleep tight, my love,
Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.
Sweet dreams be yours, dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.
Sweet dreams be yours dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.
Goodnight,
Goodnight.

Five Years

Five years of writing rants, comments, and many other things.

After five years, this blog is still a mess. You really can’t say what it’s all about. One can say it’s about all the journeys and the phases I’ve been through.

I spent the first year of blogging in Wordpress. Shared it with some friends, and eventually it was read by repugnant assholes who have no sense of humor. I was compelled to shut it down.

But I continued here in Blogger.com, and had more fun.

The last three years were quite productive I guess. And now, I’m going to meet some of the stars of the blogosphere (well, they are star-bloggers in my eyes), and I’m gonna have the chance of seeing them in person and not just stalking them in the internet.

Anyway, five years. I thought of doing a small party with some friends who actually read my shit. But I was too busy. Doing what? More shit.


And I’m supposed to be preparing my luggage. Bye for now! See you later Philippines! See you later Ilocos!

Saturday, January 03, 2015

Tatlong Kembot Na Lang!

January 3… tatlong tulog na lang at I’m coming home na!

As usual uuwi na naman ako na walang budget, walang clear plan or itinerary, at walang kasama sa biyahe.

Hahabol kasi ako sa kasal ng pinsan ko sa Ilocos at nagsabi din ang father ko na gusto daw niya na magkasama ang buong pamilya sa pagbabakasyon sa Pilipinas.

So kahit na negative pa rin ang balance sheet ko at hindi pa ako makakabayad sa insurance ng kotse, eh sige go! May fund naman daw si Papa kaya dun ko na daw muna kunin ang pera sa lahat ng expenses ko.

Feeling ko parang spoiled rich brat na naman ako, hahahaha! Late 20’s ko na pero pagdating sa pera, parang highschool na dependent sa allowance na ibinibigay ng parents, hahaha! I should be ashamed of myself, pero nag insist ang tatay ko eh.

Hanggang ngayon hindi pa ready ang luggage ko. Tinatamad talaga ako mag handa. I feel the pressure kaya ayun, tinatamad ako.


Anyway, I hope to see some of you at ilahad na ang monstruosity na nagtatago sa likod ng blog na ito. Don’t worry, hindi naman kita kakainin, hindi rin kita kakagatin. Medyo manyak ako tumingin pero gentleman pa rin. 

Friday, January 02, 2015

The 20 Last Things of 2014

1.      The last nerdy achievement- read 30 books this year.
2.      The last phone call- my beloved best friend.
3.      The last entry in my agenda- list of expenses
4.      The last thing I did with my phone- Took a selfie


5.      The last guilty pleasure- self-loving while watching some extreme and crazy Japanese porn
6.      The last porn actor to come across my fantasy that day- Koh Masaki (dedicated that one final squeeze to him).


7.      The last trip- Zurich, where everything is so fucking expensive, my bank account was bleeding.

8.      The last promise I made- I’ll be there.
9.      The last lie I said- I’ll be there.
10. The last lousy words I uttered- I’m coming.
11.  The last aggravating thing that happened to me right before midnight- Speed up some paper work for the annual report. Ah that company I work for- asshole.
12.  The last person I talked to personally- a colleague at work (yes, always at work).
13.  The last party I’ve been to- a dinner party for five with friends.
14.   The last music artist I listened to- Beatles

15.   The last book I read- Desaparesidos by Lualhati Bautista

16.  The last movie I saw (apart from that porn movie)- The Desolation of Smaug

17.  The last food I shoved down my throat- Cheese with whiskey, ginger and mango
18.   The last bothering thought that plagued my thinking- budget for my trip to the Philippines
19.  The last bullshit I said- “May you have a happy new year!”

20.  The last greater bullshit I said- my new year’s resolutions