Saturday, April 09, 2016

Tripster for President, or Better, Your Supreme Sovereign Prince

The recent presidential debate that all of you saw in television was like something that came out of a first draft script written by comedians of a gag show, showing us what kind of political culture and policies our country has- a pile of bullshits, or better, ugly jokes.

It’s been known that I am a fervent Miriam supporter and that I have voted for almost all candidates of the Liberal Party in the 2010 General Elections. But just as Miriam’s status has changed, so have I.

Watching the recent debate, I have decided to step forward into the arena and offer my services as the next president of the Philippines.

If we are to say that those four candidates that we saw in the presidential debate is the best of the best, then ANYBODY can run for president, and anybody can run the archipelago republic.

from The Last King of Scotland
And since 1945, our country has tasted democracy and its mythical effects. But I still doubt that our people understand what democracy is. Our political culture of democracy is not as developed as those of Europe or the US. We are still rooted in our ancient concept of power- family rulers and warlords.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, not only I am willing to be President of the Philippines, as God wills it (yes, I am using also the Lord’s name in this game, the way the righteous God-fearing candidates of our country do so), I am also willing to be the Prince of the Islands, the first among equals. Not a king, but just a Sovereign Prince (or a princess if they will validate my vagina). Besides, have you seen those who are in power? Their election is formality, but the truth is, they inherited their political power.

So here I am, by the will of the Almighty, I, T.G. Bagyo, take upon the burden as your next President.


- I am inviting fellow bloggers to join me in my party, formulate our platform, and rule the Philippines! Bagong trip!

Thursday, April 07, 2016

See No Evil, Touch No Evil, Lick No Evil

Few weeks ago, my bestfriend sent me a photo of a guy’s naked torso. Nice buffed up chest, flat stomach with a hint of a set of developing abdominal muscles, smooth dark skin, and hairless. I perked up, drooled, and almost at the point of licking the screen of my mobile.

I asked who the beefcake is. He told me that it was a disturbing photo and that I should look carefully at the picture. And I did. The photo partially shows the lower part of the model’s face. And I was like “WTF?!”..

It was a familiar smile, and the dental features was so similar to someone I know. Holy Lady of Repressed Freaks and Masturbators! It was my cousin! The one who was once my object of sexual fantasies (read here).

Something like this...

It was mixed emotions really. When my bestfriend said that it was my cousin, I was really disturbed that a member of the family has entered the porn industry. I imagined how disgraceful it would be for everyone, especially for his parents. The disgrace!

But that horny part of me said- get that fucking laptop and download it. Now!

Now this cousin of mine is really straight and he’s actually a distant relative. He’s not a minor now so, if the chance of a sexual exploit ever comes up, there’s no reason for me to tap-out (note: some straight dudes are so curious that even though they laugh at gays, they still have this itching curiosity of what it’s like to enter the moist mouth of a gay dude, so he could be one of those).

But I just can’t bring myself to indulge myself to such fantasy. Our families are so tightly knit together that we feel like we are just one big tribe.

It turned out that it was a photo taken from his audition shoot for a male beauty pageant. I think he’s trying to enter showbiz.

I was really pissed off with my bestfriend because: one, he got me so worried for the kid, and second, he revived again a dead sentiment and fantasy, and I hate it.

When he sent that photo, I was at work finishing up the day’s report paper. That night, instead of going to bed immediately, I went out to jog, and when I came back after an hour, I had a cold shower. Early in the morning, my boss called me to inform me how fucked up the previous day’s report was.

Ah! fuck you dear cousin. But I won’t do you anyway. 

Monday, April 04, 2016

Gurl Talk and Terrorism

When discussion over the fight against terrorism becomes so appallingly apathetic and “gurl talk” takes over….

A conversation between my VBF a.k.a. Kalachuchi and I…..

I know it’s bad. It’s like were so blithely unaware of what’s happening. But that’s what they really want- take away our laugh and our comedy, and put fear and death in our hearts. You want the truth? Yes I am scared. They did it to France and Belgium. Why wouldn’t they do it to a country that hosts the very heart of Catholic Christianity?

Yes I fear for my life. But terrorism should not stop me from thinking about that cute militant while masturbating. No. This is my life, an existence in my own hands, designed by the Creator I believe in, not according to their twisted philosophy.

Sayang lang talaga siya. Sigh. 

Friday, April 01, 2016

Breaking Bread with the Glamazons

Wellness business is the next trillion dollar industry- this is the message preached by world-known economist Paul Zane Pilzer.

And this is the gospel that was preached to me by these glamazons that I met in my business trip to Milan. I say business trip because I wasn’t there to meet the love of my life. I was there to be able to meet the true love of my life- MONEY.

If I really want to be a filthy rich tycoon, then I have to start somewhere. So I decided to call my comadre who lives in Milan, and asked her if she can help me double the money that I had. Now this comadre of mine works for an oil company. A single mom, great job and great salary, beautiful. She’s been in the networking business for about a year. I even asked her why would you join such a thing, as if it was the unthinkable decision to make. But I was also curious.

This is the first time I am signing up for a networking business. Many look down on it because of many reasons such as – it is a scam, products are defective (which I think is not true because I used it and it really worked for me), low income, etc.

Anyway, I’m already in.

I met the chief in a pretty hotel near the center of the city. Of course she can afford such a fabulous place because she was already doing well with her business. The chief was with this acquaintance of mine from another town in the north. They were both perky and… well… white. The kind of whiteness you see on brown-skinned people. And they are so pretty, so pretty that I thought I was turning lesbian.

So before I got in the business they had to do a five-hour full-immersion seminar in a hotel lobby. They were so determined to feed me all they know and all the business strategies that it felt like being in those encounters with religious folks who are trying to convert you to their religion. I did that for my church too by the way.

And I was there trying to keep everything in my brain and suddenly it all flashed before my eyes- this is going to be your life for the whole year. A whole year, because I gave myself a year to try it. So after five hours and settling on an agreement about the business, thank God my comadre came and join us. Otherwise they would be going on and on and I just had enough of it.

We went to this bar for some aperitivo and drinks. And they just keep on going at it, discussing it. I mean they are passionate about it. I take a look at these girls- fit and sexy, nice smooth skin, pretty hair- all prettiness. They’re glamazons. Not the blue-blooded kind of glamazon you see in chic bars of Milan, but the kind that had undergone treatment of the products they were selling. Well, at least the vitamins, soaps and cosmetics actually work.

Their mind-set though was fully immersed in this business that it seemed like it is religion. My comadre told me that I should stop being such a cynic, stop my internet trolling, and should try to be nicer to human beings in general. And I was like, wtf? Seriously gurl?!

“It’s bad for the business.” she said.

My religion had a hard time changing me. Why would I even allow this venture to change me? But I asked myself a question, “How much am I willing to risk and sacrifice to become the next Henry Sy, to outrank the Ayalas, and to buy you, your friends and this bar?”

I had a moral dilemma, even now. I wasn’t willing to change for God, why would I do so for money? I am human. But I always think that I can be better than most human beings. But you see, it is always cold on the high road of morality.

I was already breaking bread with the glamazons and in this circle no one is entitled to preach about holiness. Besides, no one was scheming some dirty game. It was pure business, helping others, and creating wealth and opportunity (thank you Margaret Thatcher for these blessed words).

I ordered my cocktail to be put on a larger glass and proposed a toast- to us, the beautiful us, and our prosperous future.

That night I went back to my hotel. It was kind of old fashioned and less glamorous compared to the one where my chief was staying. But I really don’t mind old and lacklustre hotels. It’s cheap.

I was over-analyzing what happened that day. I can say that it did trouble my soul up to a certain degree. I had a very long chat with my girl bestfriend. After a night with those glamazons, I needed to reach out to a familiar soul who actually looked normal. Most of all, I missed the love of my life. My best friend came out of work early so he can meet up with me. But I couldn’t because of that damn 5-hour business meeting. 

Before I shut my eyes, I asked myself for the nth time, “Am I really happy with this?”.