Sunday, May 01, 2016

Halalan 2016- T.G. Bagyo, The Presidential Contender and Ultimate Savior of the Philippines

Nahihirapan ba kayo kung sino ang iboboto niyo this coming elections? Well, nandito na po ako, and I offer myself to be the next president of the Republic of the Philippines.

Know your favorite fantasy and candidate…

Who is the Man?

T.G. is Tagalog and Christian. He is trying to emphasize these traits so that he could fabricate the same stories that some brilliant dictator did to his ethnic group. And he claims to be Christian so he can get the votes of Protestants and Catholics.

T.G. Bagyo is the illegitimate brother of Buddha who has divine jurisdiction over fat things. In his delusional realm, he is the Prince of Whales and Supreme Sovereign Prince of the House Stormborn, descendants of Daenarys Stormborn Targaryen, making him heir to the Irone Throne and True Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. But instead of ruling an illusory empire, he chose to lead an even more delusional republic. 

T.G. Bagyo is everyone’s man. He is the man of the people because he is just like everyone else. His particular status of being half guy and half girl, and 100 percent fat makes him the eligible and true representative of the people. 

T.G. Bagyo did not finish school or graduate from any prestigious university. The greatest assholes of the country actually came from those famous universities. He may be an asshole, but he doesn’t want to become like those bastards and bitches who magnified their asshole-ness thanks to these universities.

T.G. Bagyo has no record of serving in the government, because he believes that a man who wants to rule over a people will not rule with democracy but with comedy, variety shows, abdominals and pageants, and a dictatorship which the people will appreciate and glorify after he dies, and will be vilified by intellectual nincompoops.

His interest is the welfare of the Filipino people, history, literature, half-naked men, unli-rice and isaw.

The Party

Lakas PaPa Party is a political party created by T.G. Bagyo.

The core belief of the party is- “Gutom ang problema, Pagkain ang Pag-asa”. Hinding hindi ko kayo gugutumin.

The core value of the party is- “Ang buong bansa ay isang fiesta, dahil kapag fiesta natututo tayo tumawa, magbigayan at ang pagkakaisa.”

The core financier of the party is networking business. Powerful! Hahaha!

The Platform

Unlike other candidates, His Lordship the Future Beloved Dictator of the Philippines does not break his promises because he doesn’t intend to make any promises at all. He will do what seems best for the Philippines and those are:

1.      Food Galore- Give more powers to the Department of Agriculture to produce food for everyone. Put a stop to rice imports and make the country self-sufficient in rice. We will add more man-power in agriculture by making those fucktards and bastards in jail work in rice fields, corn fields, plantations, fisheries, and agricultural facilities to raise all animals to be eaten. We will employ macho men so they will be useful in food production and not only in sex production.
2.      Wi-fi-zation of the whole nation, because wi-fi is a necessity now. We are having first-world problems already. I will close down Globe and other networks and put up new internet company providers and put an end to all shitty internet connections.
3.      Unemployment- I will create labour camps all over the nation that will provide employment for job seekers. As for the tambay and the tamad, they will be dragged into other labor camps equipped with gas chambers…. I mean, special facilities with special showers.
4.      Dealing with separatist groups- I will give them what they want. They will be given full powers and acknowledgement of statehood. But I will make sure that I have secured a nuclear arms deal with Iran or China or North Korea, and then nuke those separatists and invade them, and claim the territory again for the Philippines.
5.      Dealing with China- I am not stupid. Why fight foreign powers when we have managed to get ourselves fucked by white colonizers in the past, and even now? Admit it, we don’t like China because they are not Caucasian. It’s really stupid. Diplomatic relations between China and Philippines will resume under my rule, and make these states partners. And also because I like Chinese boys.
6.      Dealing with the NPA- legalize NPA and Communism so they will not pursue their cause as guerrilla fighters but as debaters in Congress. Then they will all come down and reveal themselves. Soon, I will have them neutralized one by one.
7.      Education- How to reach out to all kids of all ages and economic status and provide free education? Employ all TV networks under the Department of Education. Let TV teach your kids about Math, Science, and our favourite subject of all- Love…. And sex.
8.      Free Glutathione- Free distribution of gluta pills to everyone! Because we’d love to be white. Let us embrace our colonial mentality!
9.      Institutionalize Unli-Rice
10. Dismantle political dynasties by assassinating all other ruling families, because there should be only one ruling family.

11.  Charter Change- alam na this!