Thursday, March 23, 2017

The Singles Guest List

The Singles Guest List

As Florence is the Italian capital city of singles, I celebrated this misery by hosting a dinner for all my single friends. I was trying to achieve something over sushi, champagne and liquors. And that was to change the fate of these single people, and assume a new role that would tell the universe, the cosmos, a big fuck you by becoming the ultimate match-maker.

Socialites used to do this kind of thing to allow the aristocrats and heiresses strike a good match and form suitable marriages. Us, we’re not finding prospects for reasons of wealth. We’re simply desperate. And also, I kind of miss the company of friends.

So there we were, sharing good food and great conversation. This dinner party is composed by the different shades of singles. There’s the Martyr, the Dreamer, Lady Gaga, Christian Gray, the Fall Prince, the Torpedo, The Blessed Single,

Now let us see the various shades of single people

  1. The Martyr- Ang mag-isang umiibig. From the term itself, we know very well kung anong klaseng single ang taong ito. This martyr has made herself so ridiculous in the course of time, drowned in her belief that her love would be reciprocated… by a gay guy. Yes. She is my fag-hag.

  1. The Dreamer- An old soul whose theme song for love is Ella Fitzgerald’s cover “The Man I Love” and Etta James’ “At Last”. He cried watching the movie “Beauty and the Beast”.  Ladies and gentlegays, I was talking about myself. Apart from being a scream glittery queen, I have set certain standards and ideals in a relationship. The kind which we read in literature and stories, or the ones we find in our day-dreams. We believe in fairy tales and forever. Friends tell me that I act and do something to change my status. It’s not that I’m doing nothing at all. I am actually fervently hunting down Prince Charming and unicorns in the 21st century.

  1. Lady Gaga- That girl who is always caught in a bad romance. She had fantastic and near perfect relationships that eventually ended fabulously. Now she’s here at the dinner table pontificating about the virtues of singlehood or being a single mom. But we still have more bottles of wine to empty tonight, and that could change the cruel design of the gods.

  1. The Oversexed Diva- this one easily finds a man to slip under the sheets. But she would never be able to keep one for good. She claims that she desires a lasting relationship, but you have to clarify how she defines a “lasting relationship”. Thus, she is perceived a single gal, though most people think she’s a slut. For me, she’s a diva.

  1. The Torpedo- the classic pinoy torpe, genuine certified 100 percent torpedo! This dinner was also prepared to provide an environment for him to practice the moves and suggestions solicited from friends. A training ground, in other words.

  1. The Apostle- He is different from the Blessed Singles. This one has a divine calling to serve in the Holy Catholic Church of God and to embrace the vows of celibacy, chastity, and the mortification of the flesh. And just like most young men who desire to enter priesthood, he is goddamn handsome; wasting his genes in some bland worship building. He is about to waste his God-given beauty. I invited him because I intend to disrupt and frustrate God’s call and His plans for this young man’s life. Sorry, I am a protestant.
You would think that he's a porn actor of some gay porn parody. 
  1. The Blessed Single Type A- She is destined to be that Golden Spinster. She had availed herself to men, but being in a relationship was never meant for someone like her. She did try hard to change her status but to no success. But being a single lady has made her successful in many other ways such as in business and in the community, has had many great experiences in travelling, and had achieved remarkable things she wouldn’t have done if she were married. Blessed lady they call her. But after this dinner would she still be the same? Doesn’t she need the warmth of love?

  1. The Blessed Single Type B- Unlike the previous Blessed Single who tried hard to be in a relationship, this one didn’t even try. He just realized that he did not need or want to be in a relationship. Single since birth. He had relationships and sexual encounters but soon realized he loved his solitude and independence more than living a life shared with a woman.

“Maybe you’re gay.”, I told him once. He considered the thought and had a one night stand one time with a gay guy to find out if he had homosexual tendencies. After they climaxed it was soon clear to him that he was not gay, and that he was simply a loner, an independent soul. So why is he here? He’s a friend who would bring the goodies and keep the booze flowing until late in the evening.

And there you have it. Now let us all wait and see if the cosmos and the Heaven will consider to collaborate with me.